Wow, this is exactly how I feel...am I a feminist?

OK here is a fair warning this blog post has nothing to do with my cute little AJ I will be talking about my feelings about my birth experience so do not feel like you have to read on.  :)


Alright so the birth of a child is obviously one of the biggest and most exciting events in ones' life.  However, when I look back on the birth of AJ I don't look so fondly over it.  In fact I almost cry every time I think about it.  I do not cry because of the pain I cry because of the emotions I felt during and after my C-section.  Of course initially after having AJ I linked the feelings to my hormones (and I do think hormones played a part) but now it has been 11 months and when thinking about that day I still feel the same way in many regards.  This led me to think (only thinking right now) to a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) if we decide and our lucky enough to have another child.  And talking with a friend about this she suggested a blog for me to look at called the Feminist Breeder.  I thought to my self I am the farthest thing from a feminist.  I like men to open the door and pay the dinner tab.  Heck, I am a stay at home mom and I have no issues struggling if I made the right decision.  But it was a place to start looking into VBAC.  Well as I read her first birth experience with an emergency C-section all I could think of is this is exactly how I feel.  Here is the excerpt,


 "At 7:27, Jonas was pulled into the world, and as he started to cry, my husband and I both cried too. Hearing my son’s voice for the first time was overwhelming and beautiful, but also terrifying because I couldn’t see him. They took him to the table to be measured and weighed. I could only see the nurses standing around him. They brought him over for a second and I saw his little bottom lip curl up, the same way it still does when he’s upset. Just then, I started vomiting on myself, and I was terrified that I was going to choke on it because I was still strapped down and couldn’t turn to my side. That was the last thing I remember before waking up in recovery at around 10 pm.

After spending an hour or two in recovery, I was taken back to my room to wait for Jonas. It was after midnight when I held him for the first time. He was perfect. Absolutely beautiful.  Yet nearly 20 months later, I still cannot get over the pain of not being the first one to meet my baby; to hold my baby. For many months afterward, I’d get terribly depressed any time a woman around me was pregnant because I felt like she was about to have the opportunity to do something that I didn’t get to do, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get the chance again."

http://thefeministbreeder.com/the-cesarean-birth-story-of-my-first-son/  (the whole blog post)

Now there are definitely differences in how our births went down, but the part that hit home the most was "I still cannot get over the pain of not being the first one to meet my baby; hold my baby."  She nailed my feelings that I couldn't put into the right words on the head.  This is why I get teared up when I think of the birth of AJ.  In my case I do think the whole induction which led to the C-section was necessary, but it still doesn't make me feel better about it.  We went through a lot to get little AJ (see first couple of blog posts) and hands down still the hardest part for me are my emotions about the birth.  So yes I probably will look into a VBAC and some will think I am crazy, but if we do have another child I would at least like to explore that option and see if it is a viable option for me.  

For any of my non parent readers this is not meant to scare you from childbirth.  This birth experience led me to a healthy mom and healthy baby, so really I couldn't ask for anything more. It still was amazing in its own way.   It was not scary going through it...I guess it just was not as emotionally fulfilling as I had wanted it to be.  

Future Olympic Gymnast...

So AJ and I went to our trial class at the little gym today and she was amazing.  It was the birds class for 10-19 month olds and she hung in there with the best of them.  As many of you know I was a gymnast growing up, so taking her to the little gym was a big thrill for me.  I was truly amazed at my little girl.  She was not scared of anything or anyone!  We walked on the balance beam (alright she might need a little practice here) but then we went to the bars and she hung on tight with a huge grin on her face.  I was so proud.  I am not sure who was smiling more, me or AJ.  When I came home it made me think of my parents and all the times they watched my sister and I at practice or meets I am sure they felt just as proud.  Now I know this was just a class for babies, but I can still be proud and amazed at what my little one can do, right?  I never knew the joy I would feel from watching my little one have fun!

I mentioned this was our trial class and my plan was to do my trial class at a few places and then decide if I would sign up.  Well needless to say the little gym has sucked me in.  We signed up for the rest of this session and the follow one as well.  All I can say is for the price of this I better be creating an Olympic athlete.  I think this will be Adalyn's birthday and Christmas present.

AJ is Walking on Sunshine (almost)

AJ is getting so big!  She thinks she can do everything herself.  We cannot wait to see her walking soon, even though all my mama friends say just wait you will be running around all the time chasing her!  Here is AJ "walking on sunshine!"

Does this mean I'm lazy?

Let me start off by saying I was estatic when I found out I was having a little girl. Everyone knows that baby girl clothes are the cutest (although baby boy clothes are getting better). I thought oh won't it be fun to dress her up. Well adalyn has a closet full of great clothes all washed and ready to wear, and what will you find her in 80% of the time?

A white onsie. You see that is what she sleeps in under her sleep sack. She wakes up, eats, plays and 2 hours go by and it is time to nap. I figure why change her now she is just going to nap and I'll change her when she gets up. The whole process seems to repeat when she wakes up and then goes down for her last nap. When she wakes up I think the day is almost over why dirty another outfit, we're not going anywhere. So after her bath is time for a new white onsie and then off to bed.

At least she looks cute in white onsies, right?

Here she is at grandma and grandpa's house in her white onsie.

A Princess Wave

Adalyn is waving or at least I'm saying she is. Of course she will not do it on command, but as soon as she lifts her arm and wiggles her fingers I am waving and saying hi right back at her! It is the little things that makes us feel so good. I will try and get it on video and add to this post and I am pretty sure only silly mommies like me will know she is waving.

I hope I do not get sucked in...

So when AJ was about a month old I bought a Gymboree Groupon.  I looked at the fine print and saw it did not expire until October so I thought AJ might be crawling by then, so I will wait to use it.  And then because Gymboree is very pricey we will be done with it when the Groupon is over.   Well last Thursday we went to our free trial class.  AJ loved it!  And I did too!  She was the only crawler in the class of 6-9 months old and it was tunnel day.  I was not sure if she would go through, but as soon as I ran around to the other side and started calling her name she was coming to get me with a big smile on her face!!!  We went through all 3 tunnels, smiled at the other kids, and giggled like crazy.  Needless to say I cashed in my Groupon and we will be going to Gymboree for the next 4 weeks.  I am wondering when the Groupon expires will I get sucked into paying full price or can I be strong and say AJ we are done with this now?   I guess only time will tell.

I have been looking into other gym options that are not so pricey.  I found My Gym (cheaper but still pricey), YMCA (too young), and the Park District (too young).  It would not have to be an actual class could be more of an open play thing as I love to sing, crawl, and get silly with my AJ.  If anyone knows of someplace that has things for crawlers to play on please comment.

I thought only little boys played in the dirt...

So yesterday AJ and I were playing outside on a blanket in the grass. She fell into the grass a few times and "played" with the grass. I did not see her eat it, but when changing the diaper today found some grass! :). The joys of parenthood. Guess little girls like to play in the dirt as well.