Wow, this is exactly how I feel...am I a feminist?

OK here is a fair warning this blog post has nothing to do with my cute little AJ I will be talking about my feelings about my birth experience so do not feel like you have to read on.  :)


Alright so the birth of a child is obviously one of the biggest and most exciting events in ones' life.  However, when I look back on the birth of AJ I don't look so fondly over it.  In fact I almost cry every time I think about it.  I do not cry because of the pain I cry because of the emotions I felt during and after my C-section.  Of course initially after having AJ I linked the feelings to my hormones (and I do think hormones played a part) but now it has been 11 months and when thinking about that day I still feel the same way in many regards.  This led me to think (only thinking right now) to a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) if we decide and our lucky enough to have another child.  And talking with a friend about this she suggested a blog for me to look at called the Feminist Breeder.  I thought to my self I am the farthest thing from a feminist.  I like men to open the door and pay the dinner tab.  Heck, I am a stay at home mom and I have no issues struggling if I made the right decision.  But it was a place to start looking into VBAC.  Well as I read her first birth experience with an emergency C-section all I could think of is this is exactly how I feel.  Here is the excerpt,


 "At 7:27, Jonas was pulled into the world, and as he started to cry, my husband and I both cried too. Hearing my son’s voice for the first time was overwhelming and beautiful, but also terrifying because I couldn’t see him. They took him to the table to be measured and weighed. I could only see the nurses standing around him. They brought him over for a second and I saw his little bottom lip curl up, the same way it still does when he’s upset. Just then, I started vomiting on myself, and I was terrified that I was going to choke on it because I was still strapped down and couldn’t turn to my side. That was the last thing I remember before waking up in recovery at around 10 pm.

After spending an hour or two in recovery, I was taken back to my room to wait for Jonas. It was after midnight when I held him for the first time. He was perfect. Absolutely beautiful.  Yet nearly 20 months later, I still cannot get over the pain of not being the first one to meet my baby; to hold my baby. For many months afterward, I’d get terribly depressed any time a woman around me was pregnant because I felt like she was about to have the opportunity to do something that I didn’t get to do, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get the chance again."

http://thefeministbreeder.com/the-cesarean-birth-story-of-my-first-son/  (the whole blog post)

Now there are definitely differences in how our births went down, but the part that hit home the most was "I still cannot get over the pain of not being the first one to meet my baby; hold my baby."  She nailed my feelings that I couldn't put into the right words on the head.  This is why I get teared up when I think of the birth of AJ.  In my case I do think the whole induction which led to the C-section was necessary, but it still doesn't make me feel better about it.  We went through a lot to get little AJ (see first couple of blog posts) and hands down still the hardest part for me are my emotions about the birth.  So yes I probably will look into a VBAC and some will think I am crazy, but if we do have another child I would at least like to explore that option and see if it is a viable option for me.  

For any of my non parent readers this is not meant to scare you from childbirth.  This birth experience led me to a healthy mom and healthy baby, so really I couldn't ask for anything more. It still was amazing in its own way.   It was not scary going through it...I guess it just was not as emotionally fulfilling as I had wanted it to be.  

Future Olympic Gymnast...

So AJ and I went to our trial class at the little gym today and she was amazing.  It was the birds class for 10-19 month olds and she hung in there with the best of them.  As many of you know I was a gymnast growing up, so taking her to the little gym was a big thrill for me.  I was truly amazed at my little girl.  She was not scared of anything or anyone!  We walked on the balance beam (alright she might need a little practice here) but then we went to the bars and she hung on tight with a huge grin on her face.  I was so proud.  I am not sure who was smiling more, me or AJ.  When I came home it made me think of my parents and all the times they watched my sister and I at practice or meets I am sure they felt just as proud.  Now I know this was just a class for babies, but I can still be proud and amazed at what my little one can do, right?  I never knew the joy I would feel from watching my little one have fun!

I mentioned this was our trial class and my plan was to do my trial class at a few places and then decide if I would sign up.  Well needless to say the little gym has sucked me in.  We signed up for the rest of this session and the follow one as well.  All I can say is for the price of this I better be creating an Olympic athlete.  I think this will be Adalyn's birthday and Christmas present.

AJ is Walking on Sunshine (almost)

AJ is getting so big!  She thinks she can do everything herself.  We cannot wait to see her walking soon, even though all my mama friends say just wait you will be running around all the time chasing her!  Here is AJ "walking on sunshine!"

Does this mean I'm lazy?

Let me start off by saying I was estatic when I found out I was having a little girl. Everyone knows that baby girl clothes are the cutest (although baby boy clothes are getting better). I thought oh won't it be fun to dress her up. Well adalyn has a closet full of great clothes all washed and ready to wear, and what will you find her in 80% of the time?

A white onsie. You see that is what she sleeps in under her sleep sack. She wakes up, eats, plays and 2 hours go by and it is time to nap. I figure why change her now she is just going to nap and I'll change her when she gets up. The whole process seems to repeat when she wakes up and then goes down for her last nap. When she wakes up I think the day is almost over why dirty another outfit, we're not going anywhere. So after her bath is time for a new white onsie and then off to bed.

At least she looks cute in white onsies, right?

Here she is at grandma and grandpa's house in her white onsie.

A Princess Wave

Adalyn is waving or at least I'm saying she is. Of course she will not do it on command, but as soon as she lifts her arm and wiggles her fingers I am waving and saying hi right back at her! It is the little things that makes us feel so good. I will try and get it on video and add to this post and I am pretty sure only silly mommies like me will know she is waving.

I hope I do not get sucked in...

So when AJ was about a month old I bought a Gymboree Groupon.  I looked at the fine print and saw it did not expire until October so I thought AJ might be crawling by then, so I will wait to use it.  And then because Gymboree is very pricey we will be done with it when the Groupon is over.   Well last Thursday we went to our free trial class.  AJ loved it!  And I did too!  She was the only crawler in the class of 6-9 months old and it was tunnel day.  I was not sure if she would go through, but as soon as I ran around to the other side and started calling her name she was coming to get me with a big smile on her face!!!  We went through all 3 tunnels, smiled at the other kids, and giggled like crazy.  Needless to say I cashed in my Groupon and we will be going to Gymboree for the next 4 weeks.  I am wondering when the Groupon expires will I get sucked into paying full price or can I be strong and say AJ we are done with this now?   I guess only time will tell.

I have been looking into other gym options that are not so pricey.  I found My Gym (cheaper but still pricey), YMCA (too young), and the Park District (too young).  It would not have to be an actual class could be more of an open play thing as I love to sing, crawl, and get silly with my AJ.  If anyone knows of someplace that has things for crawlers to play on please comment.

I thought only little boys played in the dirt...

So yesterday AJ and I were playing outside on a blanket in the grass. She fell into the grass a few times and "played" with the grass. I did not see her eat it, but when changing the diaper today found some grass! :). The joys of parenthood. Guess little girls like to play in the dirt as well.

Who knew being a stay at home mom could be so hard?!

So about a week ago AJ and I really got in a groove together.  She was napping well, going to sleep on her own, sleeping very well at night, and pretty much had an established routine.   I was thinking Wow this is getting a little easier I can totally do this again when we are ready for C2 to come around.  How foolish of me to think that!  Just when I thought AJ and I were on the same page she has turned everything upside down.  Napping...what's that.  Sleeping well at night...I don't think so.  Of course when Daddy comes home we are all smiles (napping attempts are over when he gets home) and he wonders why I am still in my PJs and starving.  AJ really is a happy little girl, but mama needs her sleep and time to eat   :)  Last night went better and we got one nap in the crib today, so maybe things are looking up.  AJ, I love that you can sit up but when you are tired you need to lay down.

Being a mom is most definitely the hardest thing I have ever done and no one really talks about that.  Of course I love my daughter and wouldn't change being a mom,  but there are times when it is very difficult.  I think people do need to share and talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly about being a mom.  Together we can make it through things!

And on that note if you ever see a parent with a crying child, hear a crying child on an airplane, or in the hotel room next to you...just remember the parent is feeling even worse than you right now.  So please be kind and give a sympathetic smile.  Thanks!

Extreme Couponing

So I have heard of these crazy couponers before and now I get to watch them on TLC (only an episode or too because I just felt like it was the same thing).  After watching the show I thought hey maybe I should try and coupon now that I am home with AJ.  I thought about ordering the Sunday paper, went to a few how to extreme coupon websites, and then my reality set in....ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND...

Yes, I would like to save money but here is why you will not find me clipping coupons:

1.  SLEEP (the only thing I really like to do while AJ is sleeping, sometimes sleep wins over taking a shower so there is no way that couponing would win)

2.  Do I really need 500 packs of anything?

3.  This would mean I would do all the grocery shopping, no thank you (for those of you who do not know me I am the very fortunate wife of a husband who loves to cook and does the shopping too, luv you honey!)

4.  Having to go to different stores to shop the sales.  Right nowI can hardly squeeze one store in before it is nap time again it would take me at least a week to complete a grocery list

And Finally #5

5.  Sleep (I think I mentioned that before but I really like my sleep and it is hard to come by these days)

My hat goes off to those of you who do this kind of couponing, but I have decided to not watch the show and be OK with not saving the money  :)

And on that note I am now going to sleep for the rest of AJ's nap.

Our Little Sweetie Pie eating her first food

It is so much fun feeding and making her food!  I think AJ likes it too!  

The Summer Heat!!!

     So when AJ was born it was too cold to go for walks.  We waited until it was a little warmer, bundled her up, and off we went.  Then spring came and it soon became Mommy and AJ's favorite past time.  Now the middle of summer is here and the heat is taking away our walks.  Mommy can handle the heat (in fact I love it because I am always cold in the house thanks to Daddy's AC settings), but AJ cannot.  I started noticing some heat rash in the creases of her arms and legs.  Nothing major but decided that AC is the best place for AJ right now.   AJ must take after her dad when it come to temperature control.

    Any suggestions on how to beat the heat?!  I feel like it is winter all over again cooped up in the house.

Looking forward to the fall (who would of thought I would be saying that),
     Bethany

We have started "ferberizing"

Alright so a couple weeks ago AJ got a bad cold. During this time we of course cuddled her at every cough, slept with her in a chair, rocked for hours, you get the picture. And we would do it again if she got sick. Well the cold went away, but AJ would still wake up and want us every hour or twenty minutes! All 3 of us were getting to be exhausted and a little cranky. I decided to look at the Ferber method of sleep training because I need my sleep and we were going to do something at 6 months anyways. So we started "ferberizing" Sunday night. It is not cry it out but there is some crying. You get to check on the little one every few minutes and calm them down, but you do leave when they are awake. AJ is doing so well! We have not made it all night yet, but almost and with her normally after the first check in she falls asleep without crying! Good thing because listening to a crying baby is not easy. The best change I have noticed is her naps they are much longer and she wakes up happier! We were a 20-30 minute napper and now we are 1.5-2 hours. I have time to write my blog!!! I am so proud of the 3 of us for sticking with it. We already have no crying at naps and I hope the middle of the night little cry ends soon. At the rate we are going I might get to stop going to bed the same time as AJ very soon!

The Best Thing In the World

So hopefully now I have you asking what is the best thing in the world?  The answer: a sleeping baby in your arms or on your belly.  I know, I know...all you sleep training mamas are saying don't do it.  But I just love it!  We do not let AJ sleep this way at night, but I will admit to extend a nap we might hold her in the chair and in the mornings for a few extra minutes of shut eye I bring her in with me.  It is the number one most relaxing part of my day and I love that we can make her that comfortable.  I mean wouldn't you want to sleep in someone's arms with the warmth of a body and the steady beat of a heart.

What is your best thing in the world?

And I Wake Up With a Black Eye

Alright you are probably wondering how I got a black eye, well let me start from the beginning.  After our 4 month Dr. appointment Dr. T suggested that we try not swaddling on one of the upcoming weekends.  Well for us that was this weekend.  We started to not swaddle AJ for her naps on Saturday.  She went down OK for the first nap and then about 40 minutes in I hear the worst cry she has ever made.  Her arms had woken her up and I think scared her half to death or just made her angry!  So I go in there and rub her belly she goes back down and finishes her nap.  I was thinking that wasn't too bad.  And then night came.  I think we were up more than we were asleep.  Her arms just kept getting in the way.  We did not give up and John and I took turns going in.  Well at 5:22 am it was my turn.  I go in, half asleep at this point, search the crib for the pacifier and couldn't find it while AJ is crying.  So I think it fell behind the crib.  I scoot the crib away from the wall a little bit, bend down to feel the floor, and WHACK!  I hit the corner of my eye on the top corner of the crib.  And the worst part is I did not even find the pacifier.  So now I am awake, a little angry, and still cannot calm AJ.  I yell for help and John comes in.  I go downstairs to get ice and a new pacifier in case John can't find it.  I go back up put the ice on my eye and John works at getting AJ back to sleep.  20 minutes later I just have this strange feeling that I left the freezer open in my tired state.  I go down to check and guess what, it is open a crack.  Goodbye frozen breast milk aka LIQUID GOLD!!!  This is not how I wanted to start my Sunday.  The eye really is not too bad and guess where the disappearing pacifier was...right above AJ's head.

Will My Sweet Tooth Ever Go Away?

So during my pregnancy I can't really say that I had any strange cravings, but I did somehow develop a rather large sweet tooth!  Especially for peanut butter cups.  Well now that AJ is 4 months old it still has not gone away!  Right now that is fine because I am breast feeding, but I am a little scared about what will happen when I stop that.  Maybe then the sweet tooth will diminish?  Let's hope so!  Oh, and my husband is not helping by coming home with my favorite sweets everyday, love you honey!

P.S.  I am also blaming this on my mother because I do really like chocolate now (even dark chocolate) and my mom loves her chocolate  :)

Anyone have good substitutes for sweets?

I think a Pterodactyl took over AJ!

Alright so my mom group friends had all been talking about the Pterodactyl talking that their babies had been doing.  I didn't quite understand what they meant until AJ started in on the fun!  Who knew a little 4 month old could be so loud.  Most of the time I love it, but hearing it at 2:00 am or 3 am not so much.  The other day my husband and I were in a small baby store and she was getting everyone's attention with her "talking."  Most couldn't believe it was this little baby.  Of course she is doing this with the biggest smiles, so who wouldn't love this.  Here is a video of my little Pterodactyl.  Love you AJ!  

Yikes...Can I be a grouch!

So I have always gotten a little crabby when I am lacking on sleep or hungry.  It is something I, and my family, are aware of.  So this lack of sleep with the new addition to our family can make me be a little crabby in the mornings, and unfortunately it is my husband who normally gets the text or call.

One of these moments happened yesterday.  I knew we had a big weekend (for us that is an activity at night on both Friday and Saturday) coming up so I was really trying to go to bed when AJ went to bed to stay rested.  Well AJ had some of her worst nights sleeping especially on Thursday night.  So needless to say when I got up on Friday with AJ, I was a little grouchy and so was AJ.  Not a good combination!  To top it off AJ really didn't want to nap that day either, which is how I was going to catch up on my sleep.  So this made me even crankier and that is when the text was sent to my husband.  Poor, John!

After taking a shower I did feel better and it has made me realize maybe I should always shower before sending that not so nice text to my husband.  I am going to try and live by this advice, but no guarantees John :)

We ended up having a wonderful dinner with friends and I made it through the night just fine with my lack of sleep.  We will see how late I make it out on our 2nd night!

My Very First Mother's Day

I feel like you cannot fully appreciate mother's day until you are a mother.  We always celebrated mother's day growing up with a card, gift, and normally making breakfast for mom.  I always enjoyed doing those things and do love my mom, but now after being a mother I can appreciate my mother event more.  It amazes me what we moms do on a daily (hourly) basis to take care of and love their children.  I know that my mom did these things and more for my sister and I and I hope she knows how much I am thankful for that.  (she will now as she is a follower)

I had the best first mother's day. It started with breakfast at home, a stroll and picnic through the conservatory and zoo, and ended with a yummy dinner at home.  My favorite part of the day was my husband's reaction to all the families at the conservatory and zoo.  You see my husband thought he came up with the most original idea of going to the conservatory.  I just had to giggle a little bit.  It didn't bother me that it was a common mother's day activity because it is something I love doing.  Anything to get outside and walk around downtown.  I was hoping that Adalyn was going to give me the gift of sleep, but no such luck, in fact she had one of her worst nights of sleeping.  Oh well, she made up for it with all of her smiles!  The big open mouth kind, my favorite!  Maybe the sleeping through the night will be my birthday gift.

Anyone else have a great mother's day?  And now I need to think about father's day...

Oh yeah, and Happy Belated Mother's Day to all the moms!  I think mother's should be celebrated a bit more often.  :)

AJ is rolling over!?

Alright so yesterday AJ was rolling over from her tummy to her back all day long like a pro.  Of course being the proud mama that I am I put it on video.  Now today I put her on her tummy and nothing.  It is like she has never rolled over.  I will keep trying and we will see what tomorrow brings.  Silly baby  :)

Sleep Stress

   Why do us new moms stress over sleep?  I would guess it is because not only does baby need it to grow, us moms need sleep as well.  It seems to me that sleep is the number one conversation at my mom meet ups, new mom's group, music class, and well just about everywhere AJ and I go!!!!  WHen does your baby go to bed?  How long will they sleep for?  Do they still eat at night?  How do you get them to do that?  These are the questions that keep coming up, and yes I ask them as well.  But I think all this talking about how my child "should" be sleeping is just stressing me out.  I know how important it is for AJ's health (and my sannity), but sometimes I just don't want to compare AJ's sleeping to other babies.  It either makes me feel good about how we are doing or like I am doing something wrong.

   With all of these sleep conversations I have heard many different ways to go about getting your child to sleep.  And all mom's swear by what they did.

   Last night was not a great sleep night for us, so I woke up a little stressed out.  Luckily my husband went in to work a little later than usual so I got a little sleep and a nice long shower.  It always amazes me how much a nice shower can improve your day.  AJ was a happy baby pretty much all day even with her lack of sleep.  I guess my husband is right she is only 4 months old and we shouldn't expect her to sleep the same every night.

  We go to the doctor this week we will have to get her opinion on AJ's sleeping and where we go from here.  I am ready for AJ to sleep through the night, but not sure if we can do it.  If the doctor says she doesn't need the feedings during the night, maybe then we will try and sleep through the night.

  Why can't babies just figure out this sleeping thing on their own?  :)

One Proud Mama

So AJ and I have been attending a music class for babies 0-6 months for 9 weeks now.  I know that some of you are thinking I am crazy for taking a 1 month old to a music class, but I enjoy singing and it is a great way to get out of the house in cold or rainy chicago weather.  Anyways, for the first 8 week session AJ either slept, nursed, or cried pretty much the entire 1/2 hour class.  While the other babies looked at the teacher, smiled, laid on their belly, etc. (mind you these babies were 4-6 months).  So on Monday, the first day of the new session, AJ had her best music class ever!  She was awake, not hungry, and actually smiling at me and the teacher.  I was absolutely beaming with joy for the rest of the day because I was so proud of her for simply enjoying her music class.  One would have thought my daughter had just won an olympic gold medal the way I was so proud.  This makes me think how crazy will I be when she does win a medal :)

Who knows what will happen next week at music class, but 1 in 9 are good odds.  Right?  :)  Anyone else have crazy things that made them really proud?

Does my child have big nostrils?

Silly question, I know. Let me explain how I came to this question. AJ has been fighting a stuffy nose. I have been using the suction bulb thingy and it only works ok, so at my mom's group I asked if anyone knows of a better way to help a stuffy nose. One mom suggested the Nose Frida. For those of you who do not know about this it basically is a snot sucker where you put a tube over your baby's nostril that is connected to a straw like thing and you literally suck out the snot. My first reaction was gross! But then if it helps AJ I guess I will try it, so I sent my husband to whole foods to pick it up.

I read the directions and was ready to do this, but when I put the tube to AJ's nostril it did not create a seal over it, the tube fit inside of her nostril! So this is why I ask if my daughter's nostrils are too big?

The Nose Frida does not work for us. Any other suggestions?

This is not what I expected

  So my body decided that AJ needed to come 3 weeks early.  I made an appointment to see my OBGYN thinking that I was going to get a prescription and be back to work in the afternoon, but that was not the case.  While at the Dr. she tells me to go over to triage to check things out.  I walk over to the hospital while calling my husband and then about an hour later I am in labor and delivery.  To say we were not ready is an understatement.  Both my husband and I have our cars in every parking lot but the hospital lot and my overnight bag, well let's just say I was going to pack it that weekend.  Next time I will listen about packing the bag early and putting in the car.  And my whole natural birth plan went out the window as well.  The epidural needed to be put in as soon as we checked in because of my platelet count.  That is why I said in my previous post be sure to keep an open mind.  After 24 hours of inducing my labor with no luck the decision was made to get a C-section.  Everything went fine during the c-section and a healthy AJ was born.

  Physical recovery from my C-section was great. But emotionally I felt like I was a little out of control and overwhelmed. I did not like how I was feeling and almost was a little embarassed about it because of my expectation that I would be loving every minute of motherhood. I laughed with the nurse at my 2 week check up that I was sure I had a red flag that said watch this one. This is a good thing though. And because I did my best to let people around me know that I was a little emotionally unstable I feel like maybe I recovered quicker. I will say I still had some crying outbursts even a few weeks into motherhood. I did not love motherhood right when AJ was born or even the next few weeks. It took me awhile to adjust to the huge life change, but I can say now almost four months into it now I do love being a mom.

My Pregnancy

    After all the struggle with getting pregnant I was a very happy pregnant person.  I enjoyed having my baby bump and the attention it got me.  At first I could not figure out why everyone was always opening doors for me (even strangers) and then at a pre-natal exercise class another pregnant mom was talking about how doors were being opened for her as well and as I looked down at my bump I put two and two together.

   I read a few books to get ready for baby and my husband an I took a class at the hospital where we would deliver.  At the beginning of the class the nurse had all the pregnant moms go around and share their doctor and how they wanted their delivery to go.  I shared with the groups that I wanted to try and use no drugs for my delivery.  A little bit into the presentation the nurse went over all of your drug options.  My husband than raises his hand and asks Why would anyone not get an epidural?  I was now questioning if we were on the same page with our birth plan.  The nurse's response was I am not sure, but I guess it is the same as why would anyone run a marathon.  I have ran two marathons, so maybe now my husband understands.  Although I later found out that just because you have a birth plan you better still keep an open mind about it.

What I wanted to be more than anything...

    I have wanted to be a mom since forever.  I played house and babysat while I was a little girl, became a teacher, and married a wonderful husband.  I was ready to be a mom and everyone who knew me agreed.  So when my husband and I decided it was time to start our family we were surprised to have some infertility problems.  After many unsuccessful IUI attempts we found success with IVF and we were on our way to starting our family.
    
    Although going through infertility was not easy for me I think it has made me a better person and wife.  Infertility taught me a lot about the importance of expressing your feelings.  I have never been one to share my feelings freely with others, I tended to keep everything bottled up inside and felt I can handle this on my own.  I started off sharing my feelings with my husband about how sad I was about the failed pregnancy attempt and guess what although I was still sad I felt a little bit better knowing that I was not alone.

    Infertility also showed me the importance of communication.  At first the only people who knew that we were struggling were my husband and I.  We had family members asking us about when we were going to have a child and we would just kind of laugh it off.  After a while it was very hard and painful to keep being reminded that we were not pregnant, so we decided to tell our parents about what was going on and that we would let them know when anything changed.  It was the best thing we could have done the questions were gone and we were in charge of what information we wanted to share.  I probably shared more of what we were going through than my husband, but talking about it made me feel better.  By the time we started IVF I was also talking about it with my close friends and it was very nice to have their support.