Alright so the birth of a child is obviously one of the biggest and most exciting events in ones' life. However, when I look back on the birth of AJ I don't look so fondly over it. In fact I almost cry every time I think about it. I do not cry because of the pain I cry because of the emotions I felt during and after my C-section. Of course initially after having AJ I linked the feelings to my hormones (and I do think hormones played a part) but now it has been 11 months and when thinking about that day I still feel the same way in many regards. This led me to think (only thinking right now) to a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) if we decide and our lucky enough to have another child. And talking with a friend about this she suggested a blog for me to look at called the Feminist Breeder. I thought to my self I am the farthest thing from a feminist. I like men to open the door and pay the dinner tab. Heck, I am a stay at home mom and I have no issues struggling if I made the right decision. But it was a place to start looking into VBAC. Well as I read her first birth experience with an emergency C-section all I could think of is this is exactly how I feel. Here is the excerpt,
"At 7:27, Jonas was pulled into the world, and as he started to cry, my husband and I both cried too. Hearing my son’s voice for the first time was overwhelming and beautiful, but also terrifying because I couldn’t see him. They took him to the table to be measured and weighed. I could only see the nurses standing around him. They brought him over for a second and I saw his little bottom lip curl up, the same way it still does when he’s upset. Just then, I started vomiting on myself, and I was terrified that I was going to choke on it because I was still strapped down and couldn’t turn to my side. That was the last thing I remember before waking up in recovery at around 10 pm.
After spending an hour or two in recovery, I was taken back to my room to wait for Jonas. It was after midnight when I held him for the first time. He was perfect. Absolutely beautiful. Yet nearly 20 months later, I still cannot get over the pain of not being the first one to meet my baby; to hold my baby. For many months afterward, I’d get terribly depressed any time a woman around me was pregnant because I felt like she was about to have the opportunity to do something that I didn’t get to do, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get the chance again."
http://thefeministbreeder.com/the-cesarean-birth-story-of-my-first-son/ (the whole blog post)
Now there are definitely differences in how our births went down, but the part that hit home the most was "I still cannot get over the pain of not being the first one to meet my baby; hold my baby." She nailed my feelings that I couldn't put into the right words on the head. This is why I get teared up when I think of the birth of AJ. In my case I do think the whole induction which led to the C-section was necessary, but it still doesn't make me feel better about it. We went through a lot to get little AJ (see first couple of blog posts) and hands down still the hardest part for me are my emotions about the birth. So yes I probably will look into a VBAC and some will think I am crazy, but if we do have another child I would at least like to explore that option and see if it is a viable option for me.
For any of my non parent readers this is not meant to scare you from childbirth. This birth experience led me to a healthy mom and healthy baby, so really I couldn't ask for anything more. It still was amazing in its own way. It was not scary going through it...I guess it just was not as emotionally fulfilling as I had wanted it to be.
